Being a teacher right now is damn near impossible and I seriously don’t know how to function. I don’t even really know if I should write this. but also fuck it! I have to just say it, I am really depressed. I am exhausted. I want to be more engaged. I want to post more. I want to write good reflections. I want to feel good enough, I want to feel…anything but sadness, anger, and exhaustion. I check the news and it’s another article about why Los Angeles teachers should be back in the building, and how we are holding kids hostage. Like, what?! I glance at the comments and there are people saying to “do my job” and “this is what you signed up for.” I sign onto zoom and look at the glazed over faces of the students, and put a smile on my fucking face because it’s the only way I can. I do the song and dance, I try to make them laugh, I try to teach them equivalent fractions, I try, I try, I try. But no matter what, I will never feel like I am doing enough and every fucking meeting I go to just says “self care, self care, self care.” Like what the fuck does that even look like? I can’t bubble bath my way out of this hell hole. And I am tired. I don’t want to leave this job. I love teaching, it is my art. It is my love, it is my life, but right now I just feel so battered because the system does not love teachers (especially BIPOC teachers). And it certainly doesn’t love kids (ESPECIALLY BIPOC KIDS). the kids are my “why” but I am getting pushed to the brink. And I know I’m not alone. I’m sorry if you’re tired of hearing this from me, hell I’m tired of it. But it consumes me every second of the day. Don’t even get me started on how they still haven’t canceled state testing…it hurts. I don’t feel like a good teacher right now. I don’t feel like a good mom right now. The negative thoughts are getting louder and more persistent, and I am trying to escape. So although I do love this giant book club called bookstagram, I need a break bc I’m putting weird pressure on myself. I am beating myself up for not being better here, and that is just dumb. I just need to recenter myself. For my family. For the kids. For me. Love y’all. And for real I do.